Naturally, as I come to St. Louis the whole issue of family becomes paramount in my mind and body, and in actions as I hang out with them. There is some curious phenomenon that many of us experience around family, where it feels like we regress back to some childhood family dynamics. Where we are seen or dealt with as some role from long ago even though we’ve changed so much and are at peace in our normal lives. I have heard this experience from so many at Esalen and have experienced this myself as well.
I had a wonderful visit with my family people on Sat morning, sharing the experiences of my trip and the artwork which I’ve created. They were genuinely interested and asked me great questions about the journey. I showed them the Petrified wood and then the paintings and carpets which I brought from California.
It’s wonderful to see and be with these loved one’s and I am so grateful to have my family and to be able to see them 3 or 4 times a year. The Mother continues to shrink and shrink into herself. Anyway, this woman, my mother is becoming quieter and quieter, more self contained, more indrawn and less controlling of the social situation.
On Sunday, 27 June, my family celebrated the birthday of my sister Denise. Yah Denise!! God Bless you dear sister of mine, Cancer Sun, 18/9 the Moon card and Hermit respectively. This one is very deep and quiet and intuitive being and is connected to Source in a soft and private way. After dinner and cake the family decided to watch the California video which Dad created with his little video camera. We watched this home video in honor of my Roadtrip 2010, since I have been traveling HW 66/40 which is the basic old route.
Om Namah Shivaya!! Watching the video was deeply stirring for me. I was 8 y/o in 1966, imagining I was going into 4th grade. I had so much energy and ran around a lot like any child. There was also video of pre California and this was the period when my family all calls me droopy drawers, b/c my diapers were always hanging down my butt. Often I was with no shirt and had my drawers hanging down. So funny! When the color video started I was often dressed in red, the warrior color. It was red shirts and red pants and shorts. Unbelievable really. Was I showing or manifesting the family energy of repressed anger and rage? I don’t see that energy on the video but I know this with all my inner work and contemplation.
I was also so deeply moved to see my older brother Bobby holding me as a small boy, and then I’d jump out of his arms and go do something. And my cousin Timmy also holding me. I felt so touched to see this.
I really honor my father over and over again for being such a visionary in the sense of buying this video camera in the early1960’s. My dad had issues, no doubt about it. A terrible repressed anger I suppose since he beat and spanked Denise and Bobby a lot. This is a dark shadow of my family. The expression of anger, rage and violence through accepted norms of discipline at that time. I was recently reading a psychic reading that I had a year ago, and she said, “ Your brother endured a severe abuse in his early childhood, and developed a defensiveness and guarding in his belly region.
I am ready to see the other video also. Apparently, my sisters Colleen and Denise collaborated and got all the old video’s and had them put on DVD.
Pretty awesome sisters!
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